Losing someone through Suicide

So this is something which is very close to my heart. My life is a rollercoaster and if you know me you know that I am such an emotional person.

So throughout my 25 years of life there has been a few people I have lost through suicide and it doesn’t get any easier the more it happens let me tell you. Even being someone who has been the edge of death wanting to not carry on… it doesn’t make it any easier to understand and I don’t think it will ever help my understanding.

Losing someone to suicide is one of the hardest things I have ever been through and is still something I struggle with now. I just wish that I would have been able to help these people but unfortunately I am just miss them everyday. Life is a rollercoaster and unfortunately there seems to be a lot more down than ups for me but I have to say that these people are some of the strongest I know.

When losing someone through suicide you go through the bereavement process but I have to say there is a lot more to it…

Self Blame 

You blame yourself a lot and your always thinking about what else you could have done to help that person say. Wanting to know why they couldn’t speak to you. Wanting to know why they decided to leave? It is something which you will always ask yourself… life is short and well this is something which you need to accept as this is one of those things that you will not be able to change and you might never even find out.

Frustration

This is something which you may be able to overcome or you may not be able to. Hopefully for most of you, you can move forward. When losing someone so close to you through such horrible circumstances, you can become frustrated and who wouldn’t? It’s hard not to as if nothing was left such as a note etc then you may not be able to find out why this happened. Most of the frustration can be that you don’t understand why they wanted to leave you! Life is a very unpredictable thing and this is something which I will never be able to understand.

Sadness

Sadness takes over a lot of you when you lose someone through suicide or just death. It can cripple you, not really knowing what to do with yourself. You feel as though the world is missing such an inspirational, caring person and you have no idea what to do with yourself.

PTSD

When losing someone through suicide a lot of people can get the symptoms of post traumatic stress. This is something which I can relate to. If the person witnessed the death or  found the body, they may suffer from flashbacks or nightmares.  This doesn’t mean that it won’t get better. If you do think you are struggling with PTSD then make sure you go to your GP and look at getting some help in the form of counselling or just speaking to the doctors… talking does help to make it better.

Those who have been bereaved by suicide may have symptoms of post traumatic stress.  If the person witnessed the death or  found the body, they may suffer from flashbacks or nightmares.  This can also happen even if the person did not see them, but cannot stop imagining what happened – and imagination may be worse than the reality.

It can get better!

One thing I will say is it does get better over time. It will of course always be hard but it does get better over time and it will help if you speak to those who are going through the same thing as you. If you don’t have anyone to speak to then you can reach out to charities such as SOBS. SOBS helps those who have been affected by suicide and they have lots of support groups where you can speak to people who are going through the same thing.

Just make sure you take time to go through the process of losing someone. It is hard enough loosing a loved one never mind suicide. As there are a lot of answers that you will never get the answer to. Remember that the person has been going through a lot of pain on their own and they couldn’t see another way out. Don’t let this be the last memory of them… remember all if the good memories, the times you laughed together, the times you cried as this is how they would want you to remember them. At the time they decided to kill themselves, they probably was the most lost they have ever been.

Suicide is something whether you have been through this yourself or just lost someone you will ever really understand. You automatically feel the shame and anger for that ‘selfish’ person who didn’t talk and just decided enough was enough. Being someone who has tried to take my own life on multiple occasions and loosing such close people to suicide this is something even now I still don’t understand you feel as though you wasn’t enough for that person to stay or you feel as though you are not enough to stick around. Just remember that life is a rollercoaster and if you do need help with loosing someone to suicide you seek out help!

*All photos are my own